Life is Sweet

I have no stomach for anything heavy or complicated today. I need some unsubstantial, purely pleasurable fare for today's post. I was thinking about it when a co-worker of mine dropped the subject right into my lap - a list, of course, because only a list can be as pithy as I need it to be. And a list about junk food? Double Whammy! Bring it on.

The way this started was the my co-worker, Finn, asked me to bring back some hostess snack cakes when I came back from the States (I am coming back there in September). She promptly went to the Hostess web site (the URL by the way is twinkie.com) and placed her order. I alerted Finn to the fact that there was a whole other world which awaited her at Drake's Cakes which according to the site is a Northeastern phenomenon. No wonder no one outside of my area has heard of them.

So, I put myself into my 7 year old mind and decided to give myself a party. This is what I bring to the table - in no particular order.

• Twinkies - they are here because they are the icon of all junk food. They are the Hope Diamond in the Crown Jewels of empty calories. They are the mac daddy of all things. From the Hostess site:

Whether we're carrying a supply in the glove compartment for a quick on-the-road snack, freezing them, deep frying them, or eating them right out of the package, millions of Twinkie lovers would agree with creator Jimmy Dewar's statement that “Twinkies was the best darn-tootin' idea I ever had.”

Deep frying them? Hold the phone! This opens up a brand new dimension! I am going to try this! You're darn tootin'.

Circus Peanuts - what actually are these things? They aren't peanuts, they aren't marshmallows, I've never seen a peanut close to being that orange color. I believe they are some kind of martian food or a rare fungus

• McDonalds - they have to be on here but it isn't as good without Mayor McCheese and the rest of his political cabinet. I am not sure how the Hamburglar or those little troll things made the food taste better but they did and I miss them. Has anyone else noticed the link between Grimace and Barney? (I was going to include a Separated at Birth picture of the two of them but my blogger doesn't want to do it) I think Grimace is Barney's mentally retarded cousin.

• Ding Dongs - also known as edible hockey pucks. They are good when you put them in the fridge and let the chocolate crack.

• Peeps - cause nothing says 7 year old heaven like pure sugar over marshmallows. Look on the site - you can chat about Peeps. The message board is full of tips and helpful hints by totally real site visitors like "pinkpeeplover16" and "iluvpeeps". Subtle. They were good enough to tell us not to eat peeps all the time because they are bad for you.

• Charleston Chews. Why? They are not very good. Because they are big and when I was 7, if my $.40 could by me a 6 inch lousy candy bar over a 4 inch good one, I went with quantity. Kids are greedy bastards.

• Gummis

Homer: Ooh, gummi bears! Gummi calves' heads...gummi jaw breakers!(sees a gummi figure on a red pillow in a glass case, turning)

Homer:(lustily) Ohh...(walks up) What's that?

Man:(German accent) That is the rarest gummi of them all, the gummi Venus de Milo, carved by gummi artisans who were exclusively in the medium of gummi.

Marge: Will you two stop saying "gummi" so much?

Germans love their Gummis, man. It is the only thing I can see eye to eye on with my German housemate. So the fact that the guy on this Simpson's episode is one of those details that make the show watchable over and over again. I love the fact that they make Gummi body parts, Gummi eye balls, Gummi rats ... its great. These people know kids. I only eat the bears. Anything else makes me sick.

Ok, my 7 year old dinner party would not be complete without, ta da - Big League Chew. Shred up 26 sticks of gum and stick 'em in a bag. Tell kids to pretend its tobacco and we've got ourselves a winner. I ate so much of this stuff my jaw would actually ache. My sister used to eat bubblegum that came out of a tube like toothpaste. I was 12 by then and thought it was disgusting. I had moved on.

Alright, I am done but I had a good time writing this post (besides me image frustration). What did I miss?