Soulmates: Fact or Fiction?

"Two peas in the same pod, yes we are...

Or have I read too much fiction?

Is this how it happens?"

-The Sundays

I want to talk about this idea of soulmates. Prompted by the good news from Annoyed and Rosie about their engagement and numerous, recent “relationship” conversations I have been having with friends from home and the girls at lunch, I have been asking some questions. I seem to be having the same conversation recently about this idea of that one person who is out there, waiting for you and your soul, apparently. The idea is that your being has another being waiting to merge with and become one with your essence. I think this is a load of crap but yet it is espoused by non-single people all the time, as if, when you get married, you are brought into a back room by the marriage police and made to sign a contract stating you and your spouse will answer the questions that your single friends ask with the same ambiguous nonsense that has been peddled for years. This is what I mean:

Single Person: “So, how did you know that Jack was right for you?”
Coupled Person: “When it is right, you will know.”

What!?! Can I use this logic to make any other important decision in my life? No! Take a look:

Single Person: “So, how do I know this mortgage package is right for me?”
Bank: “When it feels right to you, you will know.”

See what I mean? Nothing else works with this train of thought and yet so many people I talk to about making the decision to get married give me these kind of explanations to their thought processes. So, is the choice of a partner so complicated, such a subtle mix of psychology, timing and biology that it just defies explanation and turns into just a moment of magic? I will except that as an answer but it would be more helpful to the single person if a married person just says, “I don’t know.” Because what ends up happening is that a single person waits for that moment of clarity, that omniscient lightening bolt, which says “a ha! This is it! This is the one! Don’t wait another second!!!” But does it ever happen like that?

And what if it does? What if love at first sight exists and from the moment your eyes meet, the moment you speak, the first touch and kiss, seals the deal and you can’t bear thinking about separating ever. Do those people ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after? I don’t know too many people named Cinderella so my guess is no – they have to work at it, fall out of love, fall in love again, feel love change (hopefully to a richer version of the early love), go through periods of doubt to come out at peace. And if that is the case, what does it matter how they have met? So what if it was love at first sight if they still are going to spend a couple of nights of their married life screaming at each other and wrecking their dinner plans the same way the as the couple who came together after a 6 year on and off relationship do? I mean, the work doesn’t change, does it?

Another problem that I have with the idea of soulmates is the idea that there is only one. What if you think you have met a soulmate? It is the proper mix of romance, meeting of the minds, and feel-good coupleness, and then it doesn’t work out? Did you spend your only soulmate voucher? Now, this is where my married friends smile knowingly and say, “if it didn’t work out, he wasn’t your soulmate” Ok. I will buy that BUT it seems too easy a retort. Let’s apply this to the world outside of the love world:

Single Person: “You said if I found a perfect fit in this pair of jeans, they would never wear out. I found a pair in exactly my size and shape, I was really happy with them but they fell apart after a couple of washes!”

Jean salesperson: “It must not have fit you exactly right”

Single Person: “They did! It was the best pair I ever had!”

Jeans salesperson: “It must not have been meant to be. There are plenty more pairs in the shop but hurry up and find one, even if they aren’t perfect because we are closing”

Bollocks to that.

My last gripe about the soulmate concept is that I see many people turning away from potential partners because they are waiting “to just know.” Is there ever a day that goes by that you are 100% sure of anything or anyone, especially in the beginning of a trust relationship? Soulmates are something that have to grow over time – become acclimated to the environment, grow roots, survive time in order to thrive. In keeping with the tree metaphor, we wouldn’t expect a plant to flourish without care so why would we feel that love, that soulmates, can do it without the same consideration?

As someone who would rather live her life in fiction (and a Pisces at that), I surprise myself with this decidedly unromantic version of falling in love and making it last. I wonder if I am so jaded by past experiences or if age just takes the lustre off of the entire process.

Or maybe I am just reading better fiction.