Pass the soap!

I am feeling good about myself today. My self-image just improved 10-fold and I attribute this to the fact that I just watched Coronation Street. For those of you who don’t get BBC America or do get it and avoid it like the plague, Coronation Street is an English soap opera. It is so good, and it is so much more than a “soap opera”. It is on at 7 pm. Men have been known to watch it and like all good English soap operas, it centers around a town pub with poor people unlike American ones that center around a hospital with rich ones. It is up there with my favourite things on TV, which also includes Wife Swap and Cheaters. Just an aside about Cheaters – I really love the ones where the girl hires “I am pretending to care, sorry I can’t hide the sleeze” Greco to stalk her boyfriend of 2 WEEKS as he snogs in the parking lot of Popeye’s with his baby’s momma. That is some quality viewing.

The reason that Coronation Street, or Corry, makes me feel so good is because this show as the ugliest people on the face of God’s green earth as its cast members. Good Lord, Have Mercy! I am a veritable goddess in comparison to the cast members.

Allow me to introduce them to you:

This character’s name is Cilla, don’t ask me the actresses name, I don’t care that much about the show. Cilla is a cow. Literally. She proved herself to be a notoriously bad mother when she and her husband, Les (also pictured, also ugly), abandoned Cilla’s 8 year old son to the neighbors … much like I abandoned my poor Fergus to the kennel! Fergus I’m sorry, mommy’s coming home tonight!

Cilla has a daughter called "Fiz". It is short for something that makes no sense to me. I had assumed they called her that because of her fright wig. This girl has a gap in between her teeth wider than Bill Buckner's grounder position. While I have to admit to a slight gap inbetween my teeth, you can't get an asparagus stalk stuck in it. You're on TV Fiz! Everyday! Braces have made it to England!

There are no good looking people on this show, only slightly not as offense ones. If a young starlet on this show is not responsible for scaring small children, she ends up posing for nudie pictures in the British tabloids because she loses her sense of perspective. I just have to watch it and I think I am Marilyn Monroe. There seems to be a pattern on Coronation Street. If you are overweight with jowls, you get a job on camera. It's just their thing. But I will leave you with one exception and she is my favorite.

This poor woman plays a character named Gail whose big story was that her husband turned out to be a serial killer. I would go on a murdereous rampage too if I had to go to bed with this every night. No jury in the world would convict me! Not only does this woman have no jowls - she has no chin! Where is the bottom half of this woman's face?!? Don't get me wrong, I think it is unhealthy for a culture just to broadcast unattainable perfection and I actually to find the reality of Coronation Street and British television with its plain-bordering-on-ugly TV stars coming into my home every night, refreshing. As I said, I am feeling very sexy looking at this pics. What I don't understand is how Gail gets in front of a camera every day and lets it capture her image! She looks like a goddamn turtle. We often see her in turtlenecks because she is obviously trying to hide that turkey neck of hers. You would think the BBC would spring for a chin implant, wouldn't you?

Maybe when I am feeling crappy about my house, I will blog about the shit holes that these people on "the Street" live in. The best redecorating would be by fire bomb. I love the show though. I will watch the all day omnibus on Sunday to catch up and go try to scare myself up a modelling contract directly afterwards. If Coronation Street is a representation of "real life", I am living the dream.